The Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Having Plastic Surgery

The standard and probably universal lottery fantasy usually includes a lot of things that our current reality would never consider.

That fantasy runs a continuum from the practical (bill payment, investments) to the insane (first space trip to Mars), and all points in between.

One of those stops along the way for many would be the consideration of plastic surgery. New nose? Lid lift? New boobs? Lipo? Remember, money isn't an issue anymore.

Me? I'm not sure. I guess I'd consider fixing my nose. I got it broken as a kid, and it was never fixed. I have, as one girl told me years ago, one nostril looking for the meats, the other looking for the frozen foods. And sadly, her description is accurate.

My biggest fear is that something would go horribly wrong, and I'd wind up looking like Michael Jackson or Tip O'Neil! You'd see me carrying a tube of epoxy around just to insure that my nose would stay in place during high winds.

If you're going to have cosmetic surgery, take your time and consider all the ramifications before you jump into it. But most importantly, first review The Top Questions to Ask Yourself Before Having Plastic Surgery.

Wouldn't it be easier to keep my youthful appearance by eating right and exercising? Ha! Kidding.

My old chin would make a delightful paperweight, right?

Instead of saline, is there something cool I can fill my breasts with like Styrofoam, warm butter or salsa?

If I fall asleep beneath a heat source, am I ready to spend the rest of my life as a puddle?

On a scale of "Gwyneth Paltrow" to "Kanye West," exactly how insufferably vain and narcissistic am I?

Will cheek implants FINALLY distract girls from my unibrow, hunchback and peg-leg?

The concept of "aging gracefully" is for suckers and idiots, right?

What's the name of Kim Novak's surgeon . . . so I can avoid him?

How much money will I lose when I close my goiter fetish website?

How excited am I to have the same natural, youthful look as my idol Bruce Jenner?

Would I rather have crow's feet, or look like I survived a horrific fire?

Am I ready to finally find out that the thing that's been holding me back all these years is actually my awful personality?

Am I comfortable with the entire world knowing that I'm currently going through a mid-life crisis?

On a scale of one to ten, how much do I secretly hate myself?

Am I ready to be the hit of every surprise party, thanks to my permanent look of astonishment?

I don't want to do anything too drastic, but how much is a sex change?

Should my breast implants be bigger or smaller than my wife's?

I want butt implants, but is it a waste of time and money if most guys aren't as honest as Sir Mix-a-Lot?

Should I forget about the Botox injections and just use bathtub caulk instead?

Should I wait for a 50% off Groupon?

Will I raise my eyebrows when I see the bill? And will they stay that way?

Will Botox really give me a better duck face for my selfies?

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