The Top Reasons You’re Not Into the Winter Olympics
There's a lot of excitement surrounding the Winter Olympic Games--
--for some folks. Other, well, they could take it or leave it. Me, you ask? I'm kind of in the middle somewhere. I do like the opening and closing ceremonies. All that pomp and flair. Brings out the Clay Aiken in me. And, hand me the Kleenex, I do get all I-motional when our athletes enter the arena carrying our beautiful flag. I really dig the speed events, the skating, skiing, bobsled and the like. And Curling, well it's the bomb.
I'm not a big fan of the figure skating, but not for the reason you might think. Truthfully, it's because I always feel bad for someone when they muff their routine or falls down. I hate that. I can't watch that.
I guess everyone has their own reasons for digging or not digging the Winter Games. Based on my scientific studies and extensive data collection, I have compiled the top reasons that, YOU'RE NOT INTO THE WINTER OLYMPICS!
--That event where they ski, then shoot a gun. As an American, you've just never understood the skiing part.
--You think the only thing people should be doing in the snow is trying to get the hell OUT of it.
--Anything that requires Lolo Jones to be covered from head-to-toe can't be a good thing.
--You don't support anything that comes from Russia except vodka and Anna Kournikova.
--You don't want your wife to get the idea that she's special just because she knows how to use a broom.
--That's two weeks you could spend logging onto Obamacare.
--It features ice skating. And you're allergic to sequins.
--Bob Costas' intricate sweaters trigger your epilepsy.
--Unfortunately, no one took you up on your suggestion to replace the biathlon targets with Kardashians.
--You live in Michigan, so you already have your own Winter Olympic event, the Driving On The Icy Road And Trying Not To Die.
--You just don't see it as a legit competition unless Simon Cowell is involved.
--You were really excited until you realized it's not the SUSHI Olympics.
--You're not caught up on all the previous Winter Olympics so you'd be totally lost.
--You don't care about bobsled teams unless they're in a delightful Disney family movie.
--You get tired of hiding your arousal while watching the two-man luge. (Sorry)
--The only moguls you'll watch on TV belong to Sofia Vergara.
--It's the Olympics with the word Winter in front of it.