There's a lot of excitement surrounding the Winter Olympic Games--

--for some folks.  Other, well, they could take it or leave it.  Me, you ask?  I'm kind of in the middle somewhere.  I do like the opening and closing ceremonies.  All that pomp and flair.  Brings out the Clay Aiken in me.  And, hand me the Kleenex,  I do get all I-motional when our athletes enter the arena carrying our beautiful flag.  I really dig the speed events, the skating, skiing, bobsled and the like.  And Curling, well it's the bomb.

I'm not a big fan of the figure skating, but not for the reason you might think.  Truthfully, it's  because I always feel bad for someone when they muff their routine or falls down.  I hate that.  I can't watch that.

I guess everyone has their own reasons for digging or not digging the Winter Games.  Based on my scientific studies and extensive data collection, I have compiled the top reasons that, YOU'RE NOT INTO THE WINTER OLYMPICS!

--That event where they ski, then shoot a gun.  As an American, you've just never understood the skiing part.

--You think the only thing people should be doing in the snow is trying to get the hell OUT of it.

--Anything that requires Lolo Jones to be covered from head-to-toe can't be a good thing.

--You don't support anything that comes from Russia except vodka and Anna Kournikova.

--You don't want your wife to get the idea that she's special just because she knows how to use a broom.

--That's two weeks you could spend logging onto Obamacare.

--It features ice skating.  And you're allergic to sequins.

--Bob Costas' intricate sweaters trigger your epilepsy.

--Unfortunately, no one took you up on your suggestion to replace the biathlon targets with Kardashians.

--You live in Michigan, so you already have your own Winter Olympic event, the Driving On The Icy Road And Trying Not To Die.

--You just don't see it as a legit competition unless Simon Cowell is involved.

--You were really excited until you realized it's not the SUSHI Olympics.

--You're not caught up on all the previous Winter Olympics so you'd be totally lost.

--You don't care about bobsled teams unless they're in a delightful Disney family movie.

--You get tired of hiding your arousal while watching the two-man luge. (Sorry)

--The only moguls you'll watch on TV belong to Sofia Vergara.

--It's the Olympics with the word Winter in front of it.