As daybreak dawns on another long work week, I should like to present an item or two--probably more, with the intent of causing a smile to appear on your otherwise gloomy Monday countenance.

In other words, dig these.  A couple of which I shared on the show this morning.

1.  During a war between Austria and Turkey in 1788, two Austrian army factions accidentally got into a battle with each other where 10,000 soldiers were wounded or killed.  And CHEVY CHASE is the only former "SNL" cast member who's been banned from hosting the show again.

2.  Tomorrow is April Fools' Day, so just a heads up:  One in four people say they're planning to pull a PRANK.  That's down from 33% in 2010.

3.  This is one I had this morning.  Here's how TOUGH it is to get a job right now.  A Walmart opened in Washington D.C. last year, and only hired 600 people out of the 23,000 people who applied.  That's an acceptance rate of 2.6%.  The Ivy League schools just released their admission rates . . . and Harvard accepted 8.9%.  So it was almost three times easier to get into Harvard last year than to get a job at Walmart.

4.  Buzzfeed posted a list of the coolest invention from each state.  Including the Wiffle Ball from Connecticut . . . the TV from Idaho . . . Slurpees from Kansas . . . Kool-Aid from Nebraska . . . and sliced bread from Iowa.   Michigan by the way, is noted for the invention of the Stop Sign!

5.  There's a new weight-loss shake similar to Slim Fast . . . but instead of vanilla or chocolate, they taste like GRAVY and BACON.  Each shake is 120 calories and has 30 grams of protein . . . and the company says they have a, quote, "rich, smooth, and meaty taste."  It costs $20 for a 20-pack.

6.  The media's reporting on a new trend that's KILLING YOUR KIDS!  Apparently some kids are now SMOKING COFFEE.  It's dangerous because that rush of caffeine into the body can cause breathing problems, rapid heartbeats, hallucinations, and more.

7.  What's the stupidest rule you've ever had to follow?  A few of our favorites are a school that banned kids from playing football at recess because it was too popular and unfair to the other sports . . . and a mother who was so obsessed with clean laundry, the kids had to SHOWER before taking clothes out of the dryer.

8.  A couple in Virginia just beat almost IMPOSSIBLE odds, and won THREE lottery jackpots in the past TWO weeks.  A $1 million Powerball drawing on March 12th . . . $50,000 in a Pick 4 drawing on the 26th . . . and another $1 million on a scratcher on the 27th.

9.  A guy in Maine was searching for wild mushrooms by the side of the road last week, when he saw a PORCUPINE get hit and killed by a car.  He'd heard that porcupines have valuable MINERAL DEPOSITS in their stomachs, so he CUT OPEN the dead porcupine.  And he didn't find any treasure . . . but he DID find out she was PREGNANT.  And thanks to his inadvertent C-section, he saved the baby's life.

10.  It's important to try to stand out when you apply for jobs . . . but this probably ISN'T the right strategy.  A 25-year-old guy in Texas sent his resume to an employment agency . . . with a PHOTO OF HIS GENITALIA attached.  He still doesn't have a job . . . and might be looking at a class C misdemeanor for obscene display or distribution.

11.  A 26-year-old woman in Denver called 911 last week and told them her BABY was locked in the car, and she couldn't find her keys.  But only half of that was true.  When the cops and firefighters got there, there was NO baby in the car . . . the woman really just wanted help finding her keys.  She was charged with misuse of an emergency telephone.

12.  A 41-year-old man broke into a furniture store earlier this month and managed to steal a $6,500 leather couch.  And he might've gotten away with it . . . until he decided he REALLY needed the matching rug too.  So about a week later, he broke back into the SAME store to steal a rug.  That time he left behind enough evidence for the cops to track him down, and he was just arrested for theft.

13.  And we conclude with a story that I shared this morning.  How do you put an end to government waste?  Hire THIS kid!!  For his middle school science fair, a 14-year-old in Pittsburgh analyzed different fonts people use when they print stuff out.  And he calculated that his school district could save $21,000 a year in printer ink if they switched from Times New Roman to a slimmer font like Garamond.  And if the state and federal government did it . . . it could save $370 MILLION a year in taxpayer money.