Sorry Michigan Kids: Too Many Snow Days So You’re All Getting Held Back A Year (SATIRE)
**DISCLAIMER: This article is satirical. It's as fake as this winter is real.**
That's it folks. It's been called. Due to way too many snow days, Michigan schools are just going hang it up on the 2018-19 school year and give it a try again in the fall.
The Michigan Board of Official School People (MBOSP) convened a meeting last night (which had been cancelled and rescheduled six times) to vote on a decision to throw out the current school year and reschedule it for the fall. The votes were 7 to 2 in favor of the decision. The two "nay" votes were from unnamed members. One reportedly has twelve school-aged children and the other is a curmudgeonly Blizzard of '78 survivor.
What we have is a dangerous lack of learning going on here. I've never seen such a lengthy learning drought in all my 45 years as an Official School Person. The amount of snow days that have piled up in Michigan has exceeded the amount of absences that would be tolerated during a semester. What can I say? It's a wash. Or should I say, a white-wash. <laughs, but then looks serious again> We had to do something drastic. - President of the Board of Official School People
This decision in effect will mean that every K-12 student in Michigan will be held back a year. It comes as a surprise to many, but hey! It's Michigan weather. What can you do?
High school seniors are obviously the most heartbroken about the news. So close! Since there will be no Class of 2019, they will all have to buy new class rings and graduation swag. The yearbook editors are really put off because they will have to organize everyone to retake the photo for the yearbook where the entire class forms the graduating year with their bodies.
That is not the type of photo you want to have to mess with again at all. There's always at least three or four distracted students with full blown senioritis that just don't get it or care. It's a simple concept. STAND CLOSER!" - Yearbook editor
Several students are still in shock, knowing that an entire year of their education is being wiped out of existence. But we found a bright up-and-comer choosing to look at it in a positive light.
Our varsity football team will get one more chance to beat our pesky crosstown rivals who we lost to last fall. Hey, does that game even count anymore? - Senior (again) & star quarterback
But not all of them were so optimistic...
"I wasn't excited about our choices for class song this year. But pop music will be way better next year, I'm sure. Yea, right." - Senior (again) & music snob
"I think I was going to be held back anyway, so does that mean I have to come back for another two years?" - anonymous 21-year-old
Parents also weighed in. This is going to mean a lot more cabin fever. And with stir crazy kids, no less. But moms, too, realize there is nothing they can do and are thankful for some unexpected financial relief coming from this epic decision.
Well, it sucks. But on the bright side, I have an extra year to save college tuition for my daughters. So I guess there's that? - optimistic mom
One dad, not so much...
So much for crashing all my son's friend's graduation parties this summer and eating all that free delicious food. Man." - pessimistic dad
This is a shocker, but we will all get through it. We're Michiganders after all. We love talking about big time weather things, so now we will have more fodder for winter gas station conversations with strangers in twenty years.