The Top Reasons You Haven’t Finished Your Taxes
It's Tax Day and you STILL haven't filed your taxes? Me either. I didn't think there was any reason to bust a hump this year. We knew early on that we were probably going to have render unto Caesar a little extra coinage. And you're never in a hurry to do that, right?. And while it's not a Fort Knox amount, in our family budget any little bit of my money we can hang on to, we do. So you and I will both identify with at least one of the Top Reasons You Haven't Finished Your Taxes.
--It takes a long time to download TurboTax to a Commodore 64.
--H&R Block refuses to let you in because of its stupid "No Pants, No Service" rule. (There was an incident a long time ago...)
--You won't know if you have any dependents until your sister-in-law's paternity test comes in. (Let's HOPE that's not YOUR reason!)
--You're not good with numbers. Or words. Okay, you're illiterate. (I'm right there with you.)
--Prison will give your aspiring rap career much-needed street cred. (You can never have enough career options these days.)
--You're pretty sure "filing your taxes on or before April 15th" is more of a friendly suggestion than a rigid mandate. (I'll take their suggestion under advisement.)
--You've spent the past three days passed out in the middle of the desert, after taking some bad molly at Coachella. (First, you have to know what molly and Coachella are.)
--Every time you open your laptop, you're immediately sucked into an endless vortex of cat videos and Buzzfeed lists. (Cat videos ARE pretty awesome.)
--You haven't finished counting your porcelain angel statues in order to give an accurate number of dependents. (Well, to you they ARE like family, right?)
--You're still trying to calculate 20% of zero. (Math is NOT your friend.)
--We're all just going to be Russian by the end of the month anyway, right? (Da!)
--You're trying to convince your roommate to get married so you can file as a couple. (You'll GROW to love each other. It's cool.)
--You're too busy assembling a militia to take over the federal government. (Shhhhh)
--Ironically, you find doing your return is too TAXING! (I'm worn out even writing THIS.)
See y'all at the Post Office tonight.
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