The 13 Rules for Driving in Michigan
Driving in Michigan ain’t as simple as it sounds.
Granted, aside from Detroit, Michigan traffic may not be as crazy as the traffic in Chicago, Philadelphia, New York City, or Los Angeles…but we do have our things to adhere to.
Michigan drivers are unique.
In a class by themselves.
So here are: THE 13 SIMPLE RULES FOR DRIVING IN MICHIGAN
1) Always trust GPS. Even if it takes you over 100 miles out of your way or makes your trip three times longer. It is always correct. Always. It knows best. Honest. You don’t know how to read a map. So don’t question it.
2) That attractive person that you just drove by doesn’t know you’re alive and doesn’t care. Quit staring.
3) Never use turn signals. Why let the guy behind you know what you’re gonna do? That’s none of his business.
4) If there’s a cop car or any type of emergency vehicle coming up fast behind you with flashing lights and blaring siren, rest assured that everyone else except you has to pull over and stop.
5) That grubby-looking hitchhiker wearing an eye-patch, drenched in blood-stained camouflage, carrying an assault gun, a holstered machete, and dragging something that looks like a severed body part, could very well be a lost church parishioner who lost his way and would appreciate a ride.
6) Speed limit signs are there for a reason…for rednecks to shoot them with shotguns.
7) A red light is just a shade above yellow which is next to green which means “go”.
8) Always freak out at the first falling snowflake. That one flake is a harbinger of the doom to come.
9) When driving on a two-way road, passing a vehicle as you’re going uphill shows how courageous you are. Make sure you put that in your epitaph.
10) Flipping off a road rager will make him sorry and apologetic. He will probably try to pull you off the road to thank you for helping him see the light.
11) Obnoxiously honk your horn at anyone in front of you at a stop light. How dare they wait one-and-a-half seconds after the light turns green before they move!
12) You are invincible. You are Thor. You are Spartacus. Therefore you can weave in-and-out of traffic without fear of being harmed because the Gods of Thunder are protecting you.
LAST RULE) Obviously, this is satire. But some clown reading this will think it’s for real. These are the people you will encounter on our roads.